


eight (do you want to erase your memories?)

by nvrmnd



Category: IU (Musician), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Memory machine, Mentions of depressive thoughts, No Plot/Plotless, a reflective entry, eight release
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:34:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24092170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nvrmnd/pseuds/nvrmnd
Summary: so when jieun knocks on his door, eyes red and face flushed, he doesn’t make the decision.it’s not his mistake to make.DO YOU WANT TO ERASE YOUR MEMORIES?[in a universe where if you look hard enough, and want it badly enough, those sad memories can be taken away. but sometimes, the origin of sad memories, is the root of happy ones. can you really be happy if you don’t know what sadness is like? can you be not be lonely if you’ve never felt the comfort of good company?]
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	eight (do you want to erase your memories?)

**Author's Note:**

> author’s note: this whole thing doesn’t make much sense. it’s a big jumble of a study of all the things i felt after watching and listening to eight. or rather, a transcript of my thoughts heavily inspired by my own experiences and taking inspiration from suga and iu. it’s incredible what stories yoongi and jieun told without telling them at all. i’m trying to do that here. maybe you’ll be able to see yourself in some parts. it’s okay not to be fine with all the bad things that have happened to you. i understand why you shut yourself away. but for us who are here, who want to live, let’s accept ourselves with heavy hearts. 
> 
> [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/nvrvmnd)   
>  [twitter](https://twitter.com/nvrvmnd?s=20)
> 
> to yoongi and jieun. you’ve lived well. i’m proud of you.

yoongi has made several mistakes in his life.

some he regrets, wishes he had done differently. he can’t help it. but mostly he’s come to accept that everything just happens. purposeful or not. 

everything. everything happens. you can’t escape that.

so when jieun knocks on his door, eyes red and face flushed, he doesn’t make the decision.

it’s not his mistake to make.

  
  
  


_are you happy now?_

  
  
  


they’ve been through so much. they’ve lost. they’ve gained. some days it feels like they’ve lost more than they’ve gained.

some days they’re just grateful for what they have.

some days they just want to disappear.

“jieun, do you want to disappear? is that what you want?” he holds her hand as he brings her inside. she shakes her head and shivers as the door shuts, as if the warmth of the hallway is biting at her neck.

“i just want to go back.”

  
  
  


_back to when i didn’t have it all. i didn’t have us._

_we’re dancing beneath the orange sun, without a shadow._

_because we’re not there at all._

  
  
  


yoongi nods, and prepares. 

he can’t say he blames her. he went through the exact same thing, and had the means to not have gone through it anymore.

what if you could forget everything you’ve lost?

then would you have really lost it in the first place? you didn’t have it. not as far as you know.

yoongi doesn’t tell her. the truth is, he doesn’t know if what he did was a mistake or not. 

was it a mistake to remember?

  
  
  


they’d built an island. it was strong and beautiful. it’s foundations were robust, it’s trees luscious shades of green.

they stayed there and danced without shadows. for a while, the rest of the world didn’t exist. it wasn’t important.

  
  
  


_do you want to erase your memories?_

  
  
  


one day, it started sinking. only one of them found a way to stay afloat.

they wish that they hadn’t tried. 

  
  
  


_these short memories really aren’t easy to forget._

_still, after time goes by._

_the island,_

**yes** _**or**_ **no**

_it’s holding onto me._

  
  
  


they don’t know how to let go. 

they’re floating but it feels like they’re being pulled underwater, head bursting under the pressure of holding their breath.

they entertain the idea of breathing out, letting it all go. at least their head won’t hurt any more.

  
  
  


“i want to share memories that aren’t sad.”

“if you forget, do you think that they won’t be sad anymore?”

“yes.”

“how will you not share sad memories if you don’t know what sadness feels like?”

  
  
  


**_do you want to erase your memories?_ **

  
  
  


_yoongi-ah._

he wonders if he went back, if he had the chance to change things. would he take it away? would he rather that they never happened?

would he forget meeting them? or the panic of trying to stay afloat? the cold shadow that washed over him when he realised that things would no longer be the same.

  
  
  


_yoongi-ah. hurry up and don’t be sad. share this beautiful memory with me. i will meet you there._

_are you happy yet?_

  
  
  


“i just don’t want to be sad.”

the corners of his mouth lift, slow and beautiful like the sunrise.

“i know.”

  
  
  


_finally, are you happy now?_

  
  
  


he remembers being young and hopeful. slightly less young and bitter. older and wiser. 

he remembers learning from the beginning, growing each time he failed. everything in yoongi shrunk each time he lost. if he’d never gained, then he wouldn’t have anything to lose.

it was his fault for taking. he should have known better.

_only be prepared to love if you’re prepared to lose._ yoongi from before gives warnings of his own. _is this a dream?_

he laughs. no. this is a nightmare.

_i’m not sure i want to wake up._

yoongi-ah.

_hmm_. 

stay with me for a moment.

_why do you want to be here? why do you want to remember what we’ve lost? doesn’t it hurt enough._

it does. it always has. but it’s beautiful, isn’t it?

_yes. yes, it is._

  
  
  


when it’s done, he lifts his head up to find her already looking at him. a sad story is told through desolate, glassy eyes.

she smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> what do you think she chose? i tried to make it obvious by the wording at the end. what would you have done? if you had the power to erase all those sad memories.
> 
> if you want to discuss you can always leave questions on my [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/nvrvmnd) or we can be friends on [twitter](https://twitter.com/nvrvmnd?s=20)
> 
> author’s note after writing this:  
> every day i wake up.
> 
> it could be the best day of life. or it could be my worst. i won’t know. not unless i live it.
> 
> i don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. it terrifies me and exhilarates me and exhausts me thinking about it.
> 
> those are the good days. the days where i feel like things could happen, that i’m only sad just for now.
> 
> i wonder if me from the future is thinking about me fondly. i wonder if she’s telling me hurry up, be happy. that she’s waiting for me there.
> 
> i wonder if she’s wishing that i hadn’t tried so hard. that i didn’t feel so much. i wonder if she’s exhausted in the way makes her bones ache or in the way that makes her existence tired. i wonder which one is better.
> 
> in this life we keep losing. sometimes it feels like we’re losing endlessly, each part of us bitten away each time.
> 
> i can't promise that things are going to get better. i don’t know. and neither do you. 
> 
> but you won’t know unless you go there.
> 
> if i run there with open arms, i hope she greets me and says, well done. you did your best.


End file.
